How to Love a Fat Girl

I love fat women. I love chubby bottoms. And if they happen to have a light skin, that is a plus for me. Apart from the money, this the reason why boys between 23-35 love suburban cougars.

I have nothing against skinny women, though. They have their place when it comes to flexibility in bedroom affairs, portability to the bedroom and can last longer in bed and of course, they fit in to the skewed definition of a modern woman. Thanks to the American lifestyle and the media and self-esteem and ignorance and the curse of being an African (woman). And urban sophistication. And modelling. Thanks to bikinis and swimming pools and fashion blogs, we now have anorexic damsels with jutting kneecaps acting modern and sexy. Somebody sneeze.

Good.

Chubby women for one, have one thing every man is obsessed about – a big ass. A big ass is great as far as twerking and doggystyle go. Some men swear nothing turns them on like the sight of stretch marks on a big butt (among other fetishes). And if in marriage, folks back home will pat you on the shoulder, for “feeding your wife well”. Science also says, fat women appear motherly. The keyword here is “appear”. Some are mean as fuck as you will soon find out.

Before I give you a secret on how to love a fat girl, let us find out why some of us cannot stand them or fancy being seen holding hands with one unless it is in the dark.

The downside of a chubby woman (or girl if you prefer; because a real woman is busy raising kids and will cook ugali matumbo for breakfast if she so wishes), is self-esteem. These people are ill-fated. Insecurities about their appearance and dressing are depressing. The biggest joke on earth is having a potty and stretchmarks in your under arms and then ask, “Baby, you think I’m fat?”. Bitch please. Go watch ‘Phat Galz’ by Monique if assurances are what you are looking for from an urban young male.

Another turn-off is their eating habits. They forage fast food like a pig in a gutter. I’m talking about 3 platefuls of chips mwitu. Then a loud burp follows after a bottle of Coke. Perhaps a smile to signal the satisfaction. Disgusting.

Food has an influence on sexuality. As a result of their food addiction of milk, eggs, yogurt, chocolate and all that aphrodisiac stuff, most chubby women are sex addicts. They are horny all the time. Too wet. A man’s nightmare is a woman who becomes a gym for him to lose weight from strenuous sex on Sunday afternoons. The worst part is the one who feeds you on rice for supper and expects you to thrust her fat booty six shots a night. That is slow murder.

Attitude. Due to their weight issues, fat girls are rude and bitchingly sensitive. They complain a lot about their weight. They have photos of skinnier prettier women to ogle at. As they say, beneath a fat girl, there is a skinny one struggling to come out. Therefore, they may desire to lose weight but some fear they may end up uglier than they already are. Their weight thing may be traced back to their genetic make-up, family feeding habits, their childhood or stress. Weight gain is not an accident. They have tendencies of being selfish too. They are possessive in relationships or they prefer to be alone if they have been heartbroken many times. They are chronic masturbators as a result. They have a short temper. They cannot have a normal “couple’s fight” without insults stemming from a narcissistic complex of “I can only stand tall if I make others feel small”.

Laziness. Somebody who is obsessed over food has little time for the dirty work. They want to spend. They want refrigerator full. As a result, they are perpetually broke or dependent on handouts from friends, boyfriends or family members. In relation to this, they are uncreative (I know somebody will mention Adele, Achieng Abura, Kalekye Mumo, Linda Nyangweso…well, having a nice voice is different from being creative. Shoot me.) They may also come off as “passive aggressors”. These are the type of people who do little or nothing but want all the credit.

Body shape. Too much fat distorts body contour. People look older than they appear. People cannot climb the stairs or run in the rain. Dimples in the butt. Dark patches in inner thighs from friction. Pimples and pale rushes in nether regions from the heat and sweat. Bad odor during and after sex. And if they are heavy boozers, you have puffy eyelids that look really sad. Isn’t that really sad?

Away from the negativity and judgments, this post is about love: how to love a fat girl. I confessed my love for fat girls and I do treat them like queens. So, how do you love a fat girl?

I have no fucking idea.

People should learn to love themselves.