1. To Diana. Your were still too attached to your ex boyfriend.
2. To Martha. You said yes too soon. We had sex the same day. Girl, give a man something to dream about.
3. To Jane. At 25, no job, staying home with my mom. Your dad thought I was a loser. As you told me, he also said my tribesmen beat up their wives. Well, fuck him.
4. To Linda. You’re too young, too naive, drink too much, read too little, and can’t give a proper blow job. I can’t stand your dressing. And I don’t listen to riddimz.
5. To Grace. We could have kids by now, you know.
6. To Zippy. I miss laughing at your hair in the morning. Coffee, poems and movies. But we took our friendship too seriously.
7. To Cate. Did you ever get married to a guy who has two cars, 7-bedroom house, brings breakfast in bed, apologizes when you’re wrong, God-fearing and makes you squirt? My fiancé will next July. You just gave up on me too soon. Yet, we graduated the same year.
8. Dear Zawadi. It was your fault that you got pregnant. You forgot your morning pills on my kitchen table. Say hi to my son. Too bad I couldn’t send the abortion money.
9. To Jeruto. You cried a lot over little things. All your ever talked about was your mother’s diabetes. Your future. Your pain. Not mine. Or ours. You never asked me why I never called my dad. He died of cancer when I was six.
10. To Jeruto. You blocked me on Facebook twice.
11. To Kerubo. I simply can’t have sex six times a day.
12. To Akoth. You got your scholarship. Long distance relationships is not my thing.
13. To Mrs. Kimani. Your husband was my boss. Besides, all I needed was college money and maybe a car. Sorry your husband found out too soon.
14. Hi, Jasmine. It was a one night stand. Get over it.
15. To Martha. I was an asshole. You were a bitch. We were a mistake.
16. To Carol. You took too long to tell me that you have a kid. Why?
17. To whatever-your-name-was. All I remember was your insults after you read those texts. Grow up, for fuckssake.
18. To Martha. Fuck you and fuck your new boyfriend.
19. To Martha. Kindly stop texting me. Please.
20. To Martha. You’re trying too hard to make me jealous. I don’t care if he’s better looking, better in bed or he’s a millionaire. We. Are. Done.
21. To Faith. A virgin at 23. Church every Sunday. No sex. No sex chatting. Bible quote texts every night. You said true love waits. I said time waits for no man. Make sure you marry a pastor, baby.
22. To Njoki. You wanted rent. School fees for your son whose dead beat dad owns a business. Jameson. Shisha. Guarana. Pizza. Wine and flowers. Shoes and airtime. I was broke.
23. To M. I love you.
24. To Mom. You were my first girlfriend. I try to find you in every woman I date. Only three come close: #23 and #26 and #28
25. To Zippy. I still think about you.
26. To M. I will call you this Sunday. I promise.
27. To All The Women I (N)Ever Dated. The size of your hips and thighs, the type of your hair, the colour & texture of your skin, the price of your purse or the shape of your lips or the size of your forehead didn’t matter to me.
28. To M. Let’s get married.